shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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