This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
