Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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