I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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