I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize