between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
