ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
