Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize