why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize