My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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