I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
