somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
