just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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