You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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