Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Randomize
