There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
