So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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