Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
