Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
