Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
