Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
