i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
