So drunk, too bad you don't want this
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
