I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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