I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
