remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
