If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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