Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
