I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
