I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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