If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
