Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
