Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
