Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
