she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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