I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
