I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
