apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
