I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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