I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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