Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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