The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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