Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize