she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
