Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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