i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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