i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
