Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
