I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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