So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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