i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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