The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
