I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
